Pajama Day.

I love days that I can stay in comfy clothes with my hair up and not wear any make-up. These days are few and far between, but I enjoyed one today. I got an extra few hours of sleep, cooked breakfast, went to the gym, and then spent the rest of the day prepping various recipes so that they're ready to go during the week. I wish every week could have a day like this. I think my life would be more balanced and relaxed all around. I guess this shouldn't really be embarrassing. Maybe it feels embarrassing because I didn't really want to see anyone and didn't feel the need to change out of my sweatpants. My hunch is that it feels embarrassing because it sounds lazy. And as I write that, I realize that many of my admissions thus far have centered around a fear that I will be seen as lazy. There's a thin line between balanced self-care and a license to be hedonistic and pursue only what I feel like pursuing in a given day. I wonder where I fall on that continuum. There are things I should have done today - homework, the same freaking pile of laundry I wrote about yesterday, etc. Did I give myself a break, or did I give in to another day in an undisciplined life? I wonder...

Higgledy-Piggledy.

Okay, so the title is just something I found in the thesaurus under "messy." I'd never heard of it before, and it made me laugh.

I'm a messy person. Not dirty so much. But messy. One day, I hope I'll wake up and be the kind of person who cleans when he or she is anxious or sad or stressed. I'm not. I'm the kind of person who eats chocolate. I have a pile of clean laundry on my bed that has been there for weeks. I just keep pulling things out of the pile to wear. I mean, really, it's more efficient that way. You save all the time of putting it away, and I'm all about maximizing my time at this phase in my life. :-) This one doesn't really take a lot of explanation, although I could go on about how messy literally means "marked by confusion or disorder" and how it can actually feel cathartic to me at times to let my external life reflect some of what I feel internally. Sometimes it just feels congruent - especially when I spend so much energy trying to make so many other parts of my life precise and ordered. I guess it's a way I rebel a little against structure, even though I really like structure in so many ways. But now I'm just rambling.

I kind of hope no one will read this, because it's a pretty shameful thing to admit that you're messy - especially as a woman. So that's the end of this one. Come over sometime. I'd love to have you! But I'm probably going to need a couple hours' notice first. :-)

Sufficient.

So, you may have noticed that I missed yesterday's post. Honestly, I was not trying to be avoidant or self-protective by not posting. I got home after midnight and had to be up for school at 5am, so it was more that I was exhausted and couldn't think of anything. Maybe that is self-protective. But I digress.

I had this window open to try and post something last night, because I had made a commitment and I intended to stick to it. That's what I do. I follow through on what I say I will do. If I don't follow through, I feel like a failure. And if I'm a failure or I'm not dependable, then people won't like me. Flawless logic, I know.

I'm in a profession where I have the incredible role of being a person that offers grace to people who feel like they've failed in some way or another. I am trying to learn not to make excuses for behaviors, but to help people understand that their behaviors make sense, and that there is grace to cover us all. That's the beauty of Christ, after all. That we have failed, and that his perfection and sacrifice covers us. He is glorified in our weaknesses. While sin and brokenness is painful and awful, the rupture in our relationship with God (and others) allows for the beauty of repair and reconciliation. I truly, deeply, profoundly believe that beauty comes from ashes.

And yet...

I still hold myself to a standard that I cannot achieve. I try to be perfect. I don't offer myself grace. I get defensive when I fail because I want others to think that I'm a better version of myself than I know I am. (That's a bad sentence, but I'm not going to fix it, because I'm trying to teach myself a lesson here about not having to be perfect.)

So by not posting yesterday, by failing to follow through on one menial day of a meager forty day commitment, I am acknowledging my inability to do life "right." I am allowing myself the space to fail, apologizing to my patient Father that I cannot even keep the simplest of promises to him despite my best intentions, and accepting that his grace can cover me. For this moment, anyway.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

It's fun to stay at the...

I don't like to sweat. I go to the gym because it's a necessary evil, especially if I want to eat scrumptious foods and drink lattes on occasion. I love walking. I enjoy taking a leisurely stroll or walking place to place with headphones in and good music playing. But sweating? No thanks. There's a reason that the line is, "It's fun to STAY at the YMCA." I'd rather be clean and not smelly. It's part of the reason that summer is not my favorite. Props to you if you love working out or playing sports. But for the record, it's a discipline for me, not something that I enjoy. I really wish it were. Then maybe I'd be able to wear my sister's new cute clothes that are a size almost nothing because the girl simply LOVES to work out. I so don't get it.

So if you're wondering what insecurity this is targeting, it's the "everyone is going to think I'm a fat kid if I'm not athletic." But here, in this season of my life, I'm trying to embrace who I am. Not so that I can cop out and say, "Well, I'm just lazy, and that's who I am and that's not going to change." My hope is that I will be able to say that yes, this is the way that God has made me - as someone who prefers to listen to music, look at art, and snuggle up with a book. My hope is that in being honest with myself (and you), I will also be able to challenge myself to say this is my tendency, but that I have the ability to work within that tendency to do things that stretch me and make me a more complete person. For it is in doing the things that might not be my favorite (working out) that I find the freedom to do more things that are (eating, exploring, traveling, living a healthier life).

I have a migraine.

You might be asking yourself why in the world this should count for my 40 days of risk/giving up pride journey for Lent. I think it counts, and this is why. I have a fear of people thinking I'm a hypochondriac. I never want to admit when I don't feel well, because I'm afraid people will think I'm complaining, making things up for attention, or that I'm that person who's always sick. I don't want to be obnoxious or a burden. I don't want to be someone who people can't depend on. So not only does this count, but it's actually a fairly big risk for me. You might think I'm whining or complaining. I might actually be whining or complaining. But here's hoping that you don't think less of me for it. And if you do, maybe I'll learn to be okay with that.

I watch too much television.

Television is one of the primary ways that I check out from the world when it is stressful, too painful, or emotionally exhausting. The movies I like tend to also be painful and emotionally exhausting, so I don't even generally watch movies when I'm in this mental state. Today, for example, I am coming home from a weekend in Chattanooga full of classes talking about trauma. Fascinating and mentally stimulating, but heavy and exhausting. So tonight, all I really want to do is wear pajamas, eat a large amount of Chinese food, and watch television with my dog. Sometimes it's self-care, and sometimes it's an unhealthy way to disconnect and remain self-protective. Which one is it tonight? I'm not sure. But it works. So for now, I'm okay with it.

I am here.

I've been thinking all day about what to blog. I've typed three different confessions in the last five minutes, then deleted all of them. And I'm aware that I already hate what I've agreed to do. Being vulnerable isn't easy. But I'm also aware that God has challenged me in this for a reason. Maybe this entry doesn't count. But I think it says something that I'm already regretting my committment, that two days of vulnerability has taxed me and left me feeling emotionally raw. So for today, this is all I have. Because this is vulnerable enough. And sometimes it's okay to just say, this is where I am. Here's my red dot. I am here.