Slutty Brownies.

I made these brownies tonight. They're called "Slutty Brownies" and I found them on Pinterest. Mmmmm. I could only eat three bites before I had to stop, because they are so incredibly rich. What makes this funny, though, is that I made and ate these while watching Biggest Loser. Dolvett would be so disappointed in me. And that would break my heart, because I am slightly in love with that man. My friend Megan can testify to this truth, as we watch Biggest Loser together (via text conversation) every week that we can.

So, take your pick of confessions from this post. I watch Biggest Loser. I eat really bad for me food while watching Biggest Loser. I'm in love with Dolvett. I thought I'd get several out all at once since I might not be able to post the next few days while I'm in Chicago. :-)

Choices, choices.

It was nice to take a short break. I think I underestimated how difficult this would be for me. To be honest, I didn't post at the end of last week because I simply didn't want to admit to the public what was going on in my world (I did continue to be exceptionally vulnerable in friendships, though, so I think I should get some partial credit there :-)). I gave myself a bit more grace, even while feeling guilty for not keeping my commitment. How feeble and frail we are! I think this Lent is all about God showing me how depraved I truly am.

Yet God continues to give me blessings, even though I'm oh so aware of how much I don't deserve them. I found out today that I've been accepted to Fuller as well as Wheaton. I truly thought that I'd blown the interview at Fuller, and can't believe I've been accepted. I really did want to only get into one, because I hate having to make decisions like this. I'd rather be told what to do than to find or create my own way. There's less pressure that way, less risk of failure, less chance to make a decision that I'll regret, less chance that I might let someone down or be judged for making a poor decision.

But God gives us choices for a reason. I'm not sure the extent of that reason in general, or why he's given me this choice specifically. But the choice has been given to me. So while I'm going to make this choice, I'd love to hear anyone who has an opinion weigh in! :-)

Being okay with not being okay.

Today, I was not okay. It doesn't really matter why I wasn't, and I don't say this to get sympathy or for people to ask, "What's wrong?" I have dear friends who took care of me and who loved me well, as they always do. The point is to admit where I really am and not pretend to be something else.

I felt selfish and foolish letting tears stream down my face in public. I stared out the window for hours when I was supposed to be doing homework. And it was good. It was right for me to do those things. Because to not do them would have been false. It would have been stuffing emotions that needed to rise up. Today, I needed to not be okay. And for perhaps the first time, I was okay with that. Tomorrow, I think I'll be okay. And I think I'll really mean it.

Freedom.

I don't like being in the spotlight. In the spotlight, people can really see you. And if people can really see you, they'll notice when you fall. If I'm hiding alone in the shadows, there is no one to notice when I make a mistake. I'm scared of scrutiny, deep relationships, and leadership, because I am afraid for people to find out that I'm not as good as they think I am.

I said this (or something like it) to my supervisor a few weeks ago. He looked at me with a slightly puzzled look on his face, then said, "But you're not as good as they think you are!" It was a simple observation. It didn't seem like he was trying to be particularly therapist-y at the time. He wasn't being mean or insulting. Whether he knew it or not, he was offering me freedom. I am who I am. If people think more highly of me than who I am, that does not mean that I must live up to their perception of me. Rather, my only aspiration is to live up to my true self - who God has created me to be, who I am at my core, who I am with all my muck and shame illuminated.

I sat with a beautiful woman today whose heart broke open to me, spilling shame and fear of being known into the space between us. I cried with her. I mourned her mistakes with her. And then God allowed me to speak grace into her wounds, as he has spoken grace into mine.

I am thankful for this journey that he has given me. It is stretching me and growing me. It is allowing me to step into ownership and authenticity, acknowledging my shortcomings and accepting grace for them. It is freeing me from the heavy burden of perfectionism one moment at a time. And I am thankful, for in moments like I experienced today, I know that I could not offer God's grace to this beautiful woman if I had not first allowed it to cover me. I could not have led her there if I had not allowed myself to be led there first. I could not have spoken to her out of a place of pressure and perfectionism, but only out of my own brokenness, freedom, and redemption. I cannot take anyone further than I wish to go.

And so I continue my journey, as I lay this part of it before you. I continue to choose risk, for it leads to redemption for me and for others. And I hope that you will choose risk along with me, so that we may all be prepared to lead with grace and freedom into peace that passes understanding.

Shuffle.

I took a gamble and hit "shuffle" in iTunes, promising myself that I would post whatever five songs played first. This is risky, since I haven't cleaned out my iTunes in years and feel embarrassed by some of the songs that linger in its depths from memories gone by. I feel some small level of pride in my "good taste" in music, so I try to keep guilty pleasures pretty under wraps. So, here's the unfiltered shuffled playlist. It could have been worse.

Josh Ritter - Bright Smile
Des'ree - You Gotta Be (I had no clue I had this song! ha ha)
50 Cent and Eminem - Spend Some Time
Nirvana - Come As You Are
Josh Groban - Gira Con Me

Process Comments.

Today's post is a little bit of a cheat. I wrote a blog a month or so ago for my church that was posted today. It's pretty vulnerable in and of itself, but so that it's not a complete cheat, I'll add a little about what it was like for me to write it. We counseling-types call that talking about the "process."

Writing it was easy (much like these blogs). But the idea of people reading it - especially some people in particular - makes me squirm. I watched an episode of Biggest Loser recently where a contestant had a break down from the cameras being on her all day every day. She locked herself in the bathroom, and when the trainer came to ask her why, she said, "I've been used to being invisible for 42 years, and here it's impossible. And it's harder than I ever thought it would be. I've hidden behind walls my whole life, and now... other people are tearing them down. And I don't have any protection."

I couldn't have said it better myself. Richmont has been a place where God and others have pursued me and broken down my walls. This is an exercise in learning to tear them down myself.

Here's the link to the blog I wrote for my church on prayer: Providence Journey Blog

Pajama Day.

I love days that I can stay in comfy clothes with my hair up and not wear any make-up. These days are few and far between, but I enjoyed one today. I got an extra few hours of sleep, cooked breakfast, went to the gym, and then spent the rest of the day prepping various recipes so that they're ready to go during the week. I wish every week could have a day like this. I think my life would be more balanced and relaxed all around. I guess this shouldn't really be embarrassing. Maybe it feels embarrassing because I didn't really want to see anyone and didn't feel the need to change out of my sweatpants. My hunch is that it feels embarrassing because it sounds lazy. And as I write that, I realize that many of my admissions thus far have centered around a fear that I will be seen as lazy. There's a thin line between balanced self-care and a license to be hedonistic and pursue only what I feel like pursuing in a given day. I wonder where I fall on that continuum. There are things I should have done today - homework, the same freaking pile of laundry I wrote about yesterday, etc. Did I give myself a break, or did I give in to another day in an undisciplined life? I wonder...