I just read this article. You should, too, as this blog is basically a response to it.
Lately, I've been very aware of how un-free I am. My blog series admitting all kinds of things I don't want people to know about me is where I mark the "beginning" of this trend for me. Since then, I've been pushing against expectations and trying to be more authentic, trying to let go of the image that I have it all together, and attempting to release myself from the guilt of being less than perfect. The reality is, I'm not always okay. No, that's not true. The truer reality is that a LOT of the time, I'm not okay. Overall, I do feel like I've done a better-than-normal job of showing that recently.
The problem is that now I feel like a constant complainer instead of the sweet, quiet, look for the bright side girl that I used to be. I feel like when I let the facade drop, I allowed myself to see all the things that frustrate me and offend me and make me angry. I'm afraid that at my core, without the facade, I'm just a person that bitches about everything. No wonder I defended against honesty for so long. Who wants to be honest about their inner grossness? Certainly not me. I don't want to have to deal with it, and I don't want others to have to deal with it, either.
As gross as that feels, I think it's a healthy move for me. Maybe now it's just time for me to try and learn how to live with an honest awareness of the things that aren't okay and still remain engaged. It's easy to be discouraged and feel hopeless. But isn't an awareness of problems the first step to fighting for something better? If I am not dissatisfied, then I am not pushing for change in a world that so desperately needs it.
So in the spirit of honesty, let me tell you 10 ways that I am imperfect right now.
1) Everything I've eaten today has been relatively unhealthy. And I feel guilty about it.
2) I spent an hour in therapy this morning. I don't feel guilty about it, but I feel like I didn't use it well.
3) I'm disengaged in class, and I have not done an adequate amount of work for it. And I feel guilty about it.
4) My dirty clothes from the last three days or so are on my bathroom floor. I only feel guilty when people know.
5) I cried over the deaths I heard on the news, and then I moved on with my life. I feel guilty and like part of the problem.
6) My dishwasher has been clean and waiting to be unloaded for multiple days. I feel guilty about it.
7) I've been judgmental towards people who are made in the image of God. I feel sorry for it, and I feel stuck in how to change my attitude.
8) I've been annoyed by people who make my schedule trickier than it already is. I feel guilty about it.
9) I'm addicted to caffeine (need about four servings a day to avoid a migraine). I don't really feel guilty about it, but sometimes I feel like I "should" feel guilty about it.
10)I procrastinated something I could have done this morning. I slept instead. I feel guilty about it.
Will you free yourself to show your imperfections today? And if someone dares to show you their feared imperfections, will you be kind to their vulnerable hearts? I hope I will. And if I fail today, I will hope again tomorrow.